


Tears of an Antique Bitterness

by highflyerwings



Category: Actor RPF, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-05 21:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highflyerwings/pseuds/highflyerwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach has a painful revelation at his best friend's wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears of an Antique Bitterness

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from a poem called "They Told Me" by Walter de la Mare.

Zachary Quinto wasn’t one to live in the past, and he never allowed himself to dwell on anything long enough to have accumulated any sort of regrets. However, standing at the altar watching his best friend get married, threw all of Zach's philosophies out the window.

He realized now, with unwavering certainty, that he was in love with the man standing next to him.  He’d been denying it for months, maybe even years, and perhaps it was the finality of the setting, but he knew in this moment that he was completely lost, in the most despairing way possible. He didn't-- _couldn't_ \--regret it, though.  _You can’t regret loving someone_ , he reminded himself.  What he did find himself regretting was the fact that he'd never told Chris how he felt.  What he was experiencing now was the bitter smoldering of unrequited love.  A feeling he never thought he'd have to deal with…but here it was.And _God, it fucking hurt_ s.  
  
He looked over at Chris.

Chris was beaming, nervous as hell, but indescribably happy. These were the emotions which Chris had divulged to Zach in private the night before, but apparently no longer felt they necessitated secrecy.  Every emotion Chris could possibly be feeling was displayed in unrelenting clarity on his face.  Chris looked over at Zach and grinned, one of the warmest and most genuine smiles Zach had ever seen.  And for a split second, Zach let himself believe it was meant for him; that he was the one who had inspired that smile.  When he came back to reality an instant later, he felt as though his heart had fallen into his stomach, and the simple act of breathing became one of the hardest things he had ever tried to do. He swallowed hard and did the best he could to return his friend’s smile with equal happiness.

In all honesty, he  _was_  happy for Chris. If Chris was happy, Zach was happy. Their friendship was strong, and for the past five years they’d been living in each other’s pockets, each getting to know the ins and outs of the other’s personality. Even with Chris’s girlfriend in the picture, each man remained the one constant companion in the other’s life. The day Chris had announced his engagement to Rachel, and asked if Zach would be his best man, Zach couldn’t have been more excited. But something then had made him uneasy, and he could never quite place what was wrong until this very moment.

Zach could feel his nerves kicking in.  He looked out over the orderly array of white lilies and soft linens that hung in stark contrast to the rising turmoil inside of him. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, so he clasped them together in front in a futile attempt to control his anxiety.  He did his best to keep his breathing even and his expression happy—or at the very least, politely impassive.

Zach took a deep breath and rocked forward, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet, and then rolled back on his heels. He had the sudden urge to move, and stretch his legs. He felt like he’d been standing up there for hours, and he was suddenly very aware of the temperature in the room. Was it getting hotter? It felt hotter. He looked out over the expanse of pews in front of him and noticed everyone seemed relaxed and excited, and he hated them for it.

  
He sighed and looked over at Chris again, and pretended it was the last time he'd ever get the chance.  His breath caught in his throat, and he had the sudden feeling of losing his balance.  As he stole this one last glance at his friend, Zach thought back over all the times the two had shared together; the road trips they'd taken, the drunken nights and fights, the serious conversations at 3 am, and the endless number of inside jokes that annoyed everyone around them but never ceased to make the two break down into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

A smile tugged at the corner of Zach’s mouth.  He knew nothing would change between them.  He and Chris would remain just as close.  Five years wasn’t a terribly long time to have known someone, but the two had shared too many things—too many experiences—to deny the deep and unbreakable bond they had formed.  
  
He was pulled from his reverie by the song signaling Rachel's entrance. It was a piece by Haydn. Zach couldn’t remember what it was called, but he knew it was Rachel’s favorite.  His head snapped to the doors at the back of the room, and he watched as they opened, allowing Rachel to glide through.  She was breathtaking.  Zach really did love her.  He couldn't even be angry with her for taking Chris away from him.  When Chris had first started dating her, Zach’s protective instincts had kicked in. He had felt the need to approve of this girl coming into his life—their lives—and be the one to judge whether she was worthy of Chris’s affection.  Unlike the other girls Chris had dated, Zach was actually willing to give his approval with this one.  Rachel was perfect for Chris.  She was an art history major at UCLA, had an intense obsession with Bob Dylan, drank too much coffee late at night, and could rock the hell out of a pair of sweatpants…she was normal. Exactly what Chris needed. Zach could vividly remember the first time he’d met her…

//

_“So, how’d you two meet?” Zach asked as he followed Rachel and Chris into Chris’s living room after dinner._

_Rachel looked at Chris, who gestured for her to tell the story,_

_“Um. Well, it was sort of…weird,” she said, as they all found a seat, Rachel and Zach on the couch, and Chris in the chair across from them. “I actually don’t think I’ve ever had such a cliché meeting in my life,” she laughed. “I was at that coffee place…You know, the one he chooses to believe is the only acceptable one in town?” They both smirked and looked over at Chris, who rolled his eyes but made no attempt at defending himself, “We had both ordered the same drink, and when they called it, each of us was too engrossed in the books we were reading, or something, because we reached for it at the same time…and fingers brushed, nervous smiles were exchanged, yadda yadda yadda,” she waved her hand dismissively and smiled._

_Zach looked over at Chris, “Only you, dude,” he shook his head and laughed, “only you would have the nerve to live your life like a…like a…”_

_“A Doris Day movie,” Rachel finished Zach’s sentence._

_Zach turned and gaped at Rachel with an incredulous look on his face.  “Yes! Exactly!”_

_Zach and Rachel shared a friendly smile, Zach still looking slightly bewildered, as Chris’s laughter rang out through the room._

//

As Rachel slowly made her way down the aisle, Zach’s brain went into overdrive.  In about ten seconds it was going to be too late.  This was the end of the road.  Zach started breathing heavily through his nose.  Panic was setting in.  He had to do something.  There had to be a way to stop time, or slow things down,  _or just fucking do something_.  _For Christ’s sake it’s going to be too late!_  His eyes darted around the room. His jaw clenched and unclenched, and he willed himself to remain as still as possible against the maddening feeling that a colony of ants had suddenly taken up residence under every inch of his skin.  Tears were stinging his eyes, threatening to pour over any second.  
  
Why hadn’t he said anything?  What was wrong with him!  It wasn't like he hadn't had the chance.  He'd had about a hundred over the years, but he could never work up the courage to say anything.

“ _Unrequited,”_ his brain all but scoffed at him, spitting the word like it was poison… _Is this…whatever this is…even worthy of being called “unrequited”? Can something be unrequited when it was never given the chance to be requited in the first place?_ _Did I actually screw up_ that _bad?_   His thoughts were frantic, and he forced himself to stay focused.  _Oh Jesus, Zachary, pull yourself together._  
  
As Rachel approached the altar, Zach looked over at Chris. Never in his life had Zach seen anyone look so happy, and it broke his heart.  He knew in that instant that nothing else mattered.  Zach’s disbelief in destiny, or fate, or whatever you wanted to call it aside, he knew that this was meant to happen. And he would be the world’s biggest asshole if he tried to intervene.  
  
Zach wanted nothing more than to tell Chris how he felt.  And maybe in thirty or forty years, he would.  Not that he believed it would do any good, but if you loved someone you had to tell them.  _Everyone likes to hear that they’re loved, right?_   Right now it didn't matter though, and it wouldn't have mattered five years ago.  Had Zach expressed his feelings back then, his confession would have achieved nothing. Chris was straight and always would be. Zach would have been left exposed and raw without getting anything in return. He was beginning to realize that no matter what he did there was no way he could possibly alter the helplessness he was feeling.  
  
He only vaguely registered the vows being exchanged, and acknowledged the question of, "Is there anyone here who objects to these two being united?" with nothing more than a bitter smile playing at the corners of his mouth.  When the two kissed, Zach felt his chest tighten, and he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in.  
  
Outside the church the scene was surreal: hoards of people, rice, the bouquet being thrown, the limo awaiting the happy couple.  Zach stood silent and still amongst the crowd, merely watching.  As Chris and Rachel were getting into the limo, Chris halted suddenly and turned around.  He quickly scanned the crowd,

“Zach!”

Chris pushed his way through the people and when he was finally standing in front of his friend he smiled. It was the same smile Zach had witnessed in the church, but this time he knew it was meant for him.  He let out a shaky breath and smiled back.  Chris, in all his blue-eyed glory, grabbed his friend and pulled him into a crushing embrace.  The two held onto each other for an amount of time that would forever remain unknown to Zach. It could have been five seconds or five years.  Zach didn't know, and he didn't care.  He held onto Chris and squeezed, willing every ounce of happiness he had inside him to pass into the other man.

Zach pulled back, reached up with his right hand, and held onto the side of Chris's face. Gazing deep into the other man's eyes, he said, "I love you."  Chris’s smile widened and he reached up to mimic the hold on Zach's face, "I love you too."  
  
With that, Chris turned and ran back to the limo.  Zach let out another shaky breath and looked up at the sky.  A tear slipped out and ran down his cheek. Zach had meant the words he’d just said with every fiber of his being, coming from some deep reservoir within his soul that was reserved solely for Chris.  He knew that Chris meant it as well, but in a devastatingly platonic way that permanently fractured Zach’s heart.

Zach remained motionless, gazing into the distance in front of him with his hands shoved in his pockets. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there when he realized it was quiet around him, which must have meant he was alone. He took a deep breath and sighed. His breathing had finally evened out and slowed down, and he felt relaxed.

He was only dimly aware of a presence behind him that hadn’t been there a couple seconds…or was it hours?...before. He made no move to acknowledge whoever it was until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He slowly turned his head and met John’s warm gaze. John’s look was significant. His eyes held an understanding that conveyed more with a single look than anyone could ever have found the words for, and Zach wondered if the other man could hear his thoughts. It was unnerving, but strangely comforting, and Zach almost wept at the sensation. John’s unspoken awareness was a steadying arm; a lifeboat in a sea which Zach was trying desperately to stay afloat in.  He was fighting to keep his head above water and knew the only way to do so was to reach out and grab on.

John’s quiet voice broke through the silence, “Hey…you okay?”

Zach turned his gaze forward and resumed his task of staring into space. After a couple of seconds he nodded, “…Yeah…”

“You will be,” John said softly.

The ache in Zach’s heart intensified to a pinpoint of blinding and excruciating pain, and then as quickly as it came, it was gone…just… _gone_.

Zach blinked back the startled tears that had suddenly welled up in his eyes, and looked over at John, and smiled. He wasn’t sure what his expression looked like, but he was positive it was anything but happy. John nodded slightly, offering a sad smile in return, and squeezed Zach’s shoulder as the two turned and headed slowly back into the church.


End file.
